Browsing for Laughs
Exploring the lighter side of the web…
Check’n Out Your Backdoor
“Time for your colonoscopy? Got a friend turning fifty? Take a ‘wild ride on a flying scope’ with this digestive ditty sure to make your toes and bowels move! The divine Ms. Butt Meddler, known for her cheeky and probing insight, will bring you laughter and the intestinal fortitude you need for your own personal periscopic procedure with this charming bowel ballad.” ButtMeddler
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How Europe Reacts To Threats
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE
by John Cleese*
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”
The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”
The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”
They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, Mate.”
Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The Barbie is cancelled”
So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
A final thought: “Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.”
*John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person.
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Understanding Women
Nine words/phrases women frequently use that men often misunderstand:
1 – “Fine” This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2 – “Five Minutes” If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 – “Nothing” This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in “Fine.”
4 – “Go Ahead” This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5 – Loud Sigh This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6 – “That’s Okay” This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s okay” means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7 – “Thanks” A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say “you’re welcome.” Unless she says “Thanks a lot!” Which is sarcasm. In which case don’t say ‘you’re welcome’ because that will bring on a ‘whatever’ (see below).
8 – “Whatever” Is a woman’s way of saying *&^%$ YOU!
9 – “Don’t worry about it!” Another dangerous statement meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now (finally) doing it herself. This may later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ (For the woman’s response to that refer to # 3.)
Text (modified) re-posted from OyiaBrown
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Reducing The Cost Of Gas
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A ‘Progressive’ Response
An Arab enters a taxi…
Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s, and certainly no radio!
So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him, “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answers, “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”
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Pirate Story
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while.”
“What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
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